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Learn how to have conversations that get results

Cut Your Victim Bonding

Cut Your Victim Bonding


We all love to victim bond at times. Victim bonding occurs when people get together and talk about how horrible a situation is. At its core, it is consistent with talking about the situation rather than doing anything to change it.


Common foreplay for victim bonding looks like this:


Person A: Oh, you are having trouble with Bill?


Person B: Yes, absolutely. Are you having trouble with Bill? He’s horrible. He never gives me enough resources.


Person A: Me either! Oh, let me tell you this story…


And so the bond begins. It feels so good. It feels so right. Someone actually “gets it” or “gets you”.


Let’s pause on that.


The quote “misery likes company” applies to this situation. Essentially, you are not only choosing misery, you are choosing to have someone else’s misery in your life as well. Is that what you really want?


With our Fierce Accountability work, one of the foundational concepts is: If it is to be, it is up to me. And yes, that means if a situation is going to change, you are responsible. That is the hard part.


The prognosis isn’t good: You most likely will become more miserable from your victim bonding.


And the kicker: No amount of victim bonding will change your situation.


So I ask: Think of an area in your life that you feel victim to a person or circumstance. This week, avoid victim bonding about the situation and have the direct conversation to start to change it.


Are you a victim bonder? Recovering victim bonder? Wherever you are in your journey, if you focus on having the conversation, you should feel success in trying to move the situation forward.


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